sometimes it feels like the openness of reality is terrifying, a vastness of infinity.
especially now that i am out of institutions like school and college. looking back, it was definitely an intoxication, and indoctrination that this is what reality is like, all these organized rooms and schedules, someplace to go, a path to move from grade to grade, semester to semester, always building up to something"
but building up to what really? now that i am out of these institutions, im somewhere perplexed by the openness of reality. of base existence. a paralysis rendered by freedom, open space. like what exactly am i doing? what are WE doing as a society here?
i feel cast into an abyss, a sea emptiness.
the womb of claws call me
no stable foundation to stand on. an emptiness below me. infinitely drowning and falling.
my legs feeling weak and shaken. as if i'm about to crumble. a vertigo of the mind.
a mind split between anxiety and normalcy.
a paralysis through freedom.
the existential openness has eally made me think - what am i doing here? what is this? the real real. the isness. makes me really be like...forfeting of all things that dont serve me, and to chase true existentential excellence and inqiury...i.e waking up at 4am no longer feeels unpleasurable, but rather a chase. to chase existential excellence (new essay?) i think these things used to feel unpleasurable or undesireable becaus e i was living in a dream like state. things that dont serve me chase slip off me like butter. so many things conditioned into me that make me think its unpleasant or unwantedtrue real realness. pure existing. it is open and blank. like what is happening? like i have just woken up to the true true.
i have had this sensation, but it slips. i slip between dream and wakefulness. i wish to wake up further.
reality is open vast and blank. and also dream like
i have feelings of reality being intimiate...there existing an intimiate space of consciousness...roomlike...closed pillars. closed dark intimate energy.