i seek and desire sex so much, from multiple women.
but today i played a scenerio in my mind--if i did, if i fucked every woman i so desired, it would lose its mono and appeal in a way. the idea would become deflated. the only reason why it's something i THINK i desire is because i haven't experienced what it would really be like. i would perceive as sex as something that is just another happenstance people do amignst each other, like talking. imagine if i so desired to talk to people or desire so much to have friends, and have fantasies about it. but since i have it, and fully so, it feels grounded and an integral part of my life, not some pedestal like ONG i'm having sex! so what i desire i only desire so much because i haven't gotten it.
but the key thing to think about is the sex example. like imagine if i sex with every girl i wanted, as they did with me, it would sort of lose its appeal because it's not so closeted anymore, it's just out there in the open. it would turn into smiling almost.
that is to say, sex and the closeted nature of it are one and the same. or at least tied to my allure towards it. there is the game element to it. the lust. the private nature of it. it is all embedded in sex itself