in opposition to the normative idea that we didn't create ourselves
before you wee born
what if before i was born i had a currency of thought, based on previous life and experience (call it karma) and i could use this thought currency for a sort of vending machine of the next life experience i want to have.
what if i built this current life i am living ike i would in a video game with a finite amount of STAT points, like im the sims 2 where i could create my life and build stats in some things and not other things.
it seems absurd
an absurdist vision of reality.
so in essence i did chose to be born, and i did create myself. what impications that have of me?
an even more absurdist idea -
so what if got to choose and make all my life experiences before i was born? what does that say about free will? what does that say about my life right now? am i living the life? or am i currently living the simulation of the life before i am actually born so that i can see if its what i actually want to experience? does that even make any sense? what does that say about free will? if i predetermined my own choices,—like i already chose these choices - what does that even mean? seems like a contradiction of sorts? a paradox between spacetime? i remember writing about how my past self and future self is one and the same RIGHT NOW. like if i moved with infinite speed across spacetime, id arrive back here. sort of sandwiched. but since all time exists now, all universes exist now, it could be that i am predetermining my choices as i make them now - which is an even more absurdist scary, notion. or that i am making my choices as i am doing them in some sense. like my past self and future self are one and the same. so i am creating myself right now as i exist. which is interesting. every moment is a big bang of an entirely new universe. i am auto-theistically creating myself. auto-theism. self-referential. makes me feel like a shell of a person - also a seperate essay - does my anxiety produce these thoughts that sort of feed the anxiety? or justify the anxiety? that i feel like a shell of a person - therefore my mind is finding existential reasons for this condition of being i have right now. on the other hand, society does tend to treat these "conditions" in a negative light. they see schizophrenia as an ailment, not as a doorway. they treat anxiety as a bad thing. and as such we default to treating anxiety as a bad thing, which perpetuates the anxiety. but what is interesting is that this signature of "bad" or unpleasantness is itself something to be zoomed into and examined. what is this signature of bad? what is "bad" why does it feel "bad"? bad seems so pedestrian, so simple. with the multitiude of layers to reality, and copmplexities of morality it isnt obvious to me that "bad" holds any bearing to the cosmos.
-reference to essay on memory and repeated universes/ (also did i already write about this?)