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you don't want free will
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Nov 26, 2021 9:16 PM

it is but a default notion that i would want free will. a notion built from social institition, past memories and my general default state of consciousness. it may seem counterintuitive byt but i actually don't want free will, at least not in the conventional sense.

imagine having two choices in front of you, two pathways. how do you decide which one to pick? without any sense of push or reason or any underlying substrate to follow to choose one or the other, you become insane, you become frozen in your own freedom, things feel confused and random, and you get in your own way. thing fall into an infinite loop of chaos and confusion.

The opportunity to have control over everything ironically makes me more paralyzed.

Imagine if you had to consciously attend to every function of your body. Imagine bearing the responsibility of healing your bleeding gums or creating a blood clot for your scraped elbow. You don't. You don't know how. And nor should you know how. You don't want perfect control over all things. And what is even more mysterious is that even the body does not know what it does. It simply does. There is no dualistic notion of action and knower of action. Therein lies a deep mystery in witnessing things happen by themselves.

As an artist, if I questioned every note I produced I would not get anywhere. I would become neurotic. I could zoom into all the idiosyncrasies of each note and still not possess complete control over each trivial element. I may fall into a rabbit hole that starts to feel like I have missed the point of what I am doing in the first place. How much control do I want? How far would I like to zoom in? As I zoom in more and more, I am faced with infinitely more parameters to attend to, and zooming into those parameters yields infinitely more parameters of those parameters. Inside each note is a cosmos of parameters that one can get lost in. One can then lose sight of the irreducible 'isness' of a track. There is no end to control.

and you would not want to hurl yourself off a bridge (assuming you wanted to keep living). it would not make sense to exercise your free will by going against what is most logical to your well being. there is a definition to that if you did decide to do that: insanity.

so there are two facets to not wanting free will - to have infinite pathways ahead and to become paralyzed out of choice and choosing which one, and also the idea that controlling everything becomes burdensome. at some point one has to outsource this choice into something beyond (other or greater) than the self. to relieve the bandwidth of attention. and there seems to be no difference between outsourcing such a thing and trust, faith and love.

it is an interesting statement to say "you don't want free will", because even the "want" itself has to come from somewhere—and it is coming from the exact same place as your actions - from the substrate of logic and reason. logic itself does not want freedom from itself. logic wants to follow logic, it is a self referential mechanism.

i am also captivated by the underlying substrate of beauty. i cannot help but find certain things beautiful. to be drawn to things and experiences that radiate beauty and their gravitas. i wouldn't not want to find the beauty in them. this also links to the essay (ref) on how i didn't create myself. i didn't create my eyeball. nor did i create the concept of "seeing", i was simply born into this condition. so how can i take credit for what i find beautiful and what i dont? i could argue that i use these tools.

As such, knowing this and embodying this awareness leads to a calmness. there is a feeling of being nested in something beautiful and benevolent. to feel the underlying substrate of logic below me. i can actually feel it now. it is love. it is as if i were meditating and touching the infinite pool of consciousness.

it oes make me question - if god, or pure consciousness, is everywhere, at all times, how did it ever move or decide anything? im guessing that there was a primer that grew from limitation an constraint.

at some point,a god that is omnipotent tand omnipresent becomes stuck and paralyzed by its own natire. there must be something automatic that god cannot control nor decide.