as i look up to see the bird flying across the canvas sky, i not only observe the bird, i observe myself observing the bird. there appears to be a low level regress here. to watch the watcher. a blankness. a nothingness. slapped right in front of where my sense of self was. a forced instrospection. an entrapment in. my own existence. a perpetual self inquiry that i have no control over. A white wash blankness. I am staring into a blankness
but i also feel one with everything. since my sense of self has been called into questioning, and feels destabalized, it has neary vanished. at least it does if i pay attention to my experience for the moment. there is no distance between me and the rock. there is just the rock, and it's one of the most jewel like beautiful things ever. It isnt that i am everything. Its more so that there is just everything. Just reality.
forced me to disidentify from my body. my world. but is this not a good thing? and for my benefit? for the world is transient, fleeting. this body is in its nature to die and transform into the earth. embedded in the human existence is annihalation. so to disassociate from this
i feel at all times a part of me has died,
or is missing.
now that my identity has been significantly stripped, i see now how used to project my face onto myself as i was viewing birds, or anything. like i would be thinking about myself looking at the birds as i was watching the birds.
with depersonalization it's exactly the same thing, except without that self projected mask. i'm observing myself looking at the bird, instead of just looking at the bird. it's unpleasant this time because i don't have a face, it's just a void. i am observing myself observing a bird- there is an infinite regress here.
i truly don't know who or what i am anymore. i feel destabilized.
So much to say…
Im both trapped in my head and also not there at all at the same time.
I feel an openness, a bliss, a curiosity, a mystery. But I also feel terror. Confusion. Uncertain.
My reality has become destabilized.
My identity evaporating.
My sense of self, thrwarted.
I feel like a ghost, a shell of a person. I am not there. Where did I go? Was I ever really here?
Life feels like a dream. Im in a state of constant revelation.
I don’t feel sadness or happiness like most people. I don’t get excited. I feel compelled. I feel a sense of wonder, of openness, of terror.
Am I enlightened? No, becoming enlightened? dunno. Reverse enlightenment? I don’t even know what that means
what’s felt and implied in this existence is a feeling that this is how reality is.
that always was confused about who i was, but not knowing i was confused, and the difference is that depersonalized people are awake to this confusion- which is astonishing and unpleasantt
my identity may have been a mask to the void. what i am experiencing is an unearthing
maybe this is part of this essay, or for another one “being god”
what sriram said: there should be nothing 'alluring' about being god - that doesn't make sense in that domain of the depersonalized
“it's a digression but an interesting one- would god itself be 1) amazed that it is god (self loving and self-awe), 2) indifferent that it is god., 3) terrified that it is god”
depersonalization is my shield that protects me against all the alleged negativity that occurs in this reality.
I never realized that i was projecting my self image to myself. A sort of perpetual thought and thinking that i was not aware i a doing..thinkingi without knowing i was thinking.
Maybe be a ghost of a person for now..just for now..until it becomes real. To transform. Letting go of who i was to become who i want to be. A new projection.
there is a square frame in front of me. a square frame of nothingness. blanketing my soul.