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fear of nothingness. never having been_fear of not
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Nov 26, 2021 9:16 PM

Image courtesy of Nate Hill, https://www.natehillphotography.com.au/

fear of nothingness. never having been, another essay: fear of not knowing

i've been afraid of nothingness for a long time. not in death, but in life, right now. this fear of the possibility of nothing existing. things suddenly collapsing. my consciousness regressing into itself. a low-level anxiety permeating throughout my days- suspicion that i am self deceiving myself into existence. to be trapped in a void of nothingness forever. reality melting into itself upon a realization.

that everything in some sense is a haze of soup-like colors coming in and out. but the solidity of my existence and faith in it have come from not being afraid of nothing, but by seeing how important it is for something itself.

i don't know how it is that i exist. not knowing how it is that i exist. i justbexist. not knowing how to move my arms through space. i just move my arms. it's as if god itself doesn't the technicalities of things/ it is infinite. instead, to be omnipotent is to just do things. not knowing how it is to move mountains- just move mountains. evolution not knowing how to construct the, it just constructs it. self emerging phenomena does not know what it isorhow it energes,-to even say that is to create some sort of dissonance to it- it just does it.

perhaps everybody may have this fear. it is distinct from the fear of death. as that death has a linearity to it. i am referring to the fear of never having existed in the first place. nil. annihalation.

i think the idea of non-self has triggered this fear of never having been inside me. a dormant fear that has now come out. exaasperated

man explorations all these essays and frameworks and ideas has made me feel like there's more solid footing on the ground. i feel more trusting in life. because reality is so intertwined with these concepts, such perfect conundrums and designs tessellating. so fear of nihilism dissipates. reference


if you think about it , "nothing" is very loud, and therefore is actually something. it's very strong and resolute. i feel like im on a feather bed now.