at times i get phases of having a strong protest against non-self, and a strong desire to have, and most importantly BE a self in the world, to be someone, to have an identity; to contain a soul within me.
to have a sense of self is also beautiful…
i want to exist..for my ego to be real. i want to feel like i exist and am in control of my actions. i want to feel like a soul. a soul living in this world, an adventure of my soul.
a different essay:
there are modes of being- self, no self. free will, no free will. etc. one does not necessarily usurp the other.
the attribution of everything about me- my dreams, desires, ambitions, quirks, perspectives- to external circumstances and nature and nurture, is a negation of my soul.
to be only a product of DNA, environment and material is to go against my soul. and to live like that is to crumple my self. i wish to empower the self, not negate it.
but on the other side..there is a deep beauty to no self, to depersonalization. the vastness of space, the openness of it all. a feeling of just reality and the vast canvas of it.