existential_367

existential_367

file name
existential crisis
last edit
Nov 26, 2021 9:17 PM

a perpetual angst. harrowing. deep. depressing.

There is a beauty and adventure in forgoing my immediate senses in search of deeper realities. A beauty in this existential crisis.

discovery of a deeper reality than what's on the surface.

things that seemed one way on one level, but now different on another

and now you cannot help but to see things in that new way

to question reality

and a part of you wishes it could go back to the way things seemed before- as it was a "perfect design"- but now you can't look away

your consciousness breaking apart the perfect design- into threads and holes. what was once perfect is now confusing, messy and chaotic.

a fear of never enjoying design again- to see reality as it actually is- threads and holes

part of you is attracted to it but also repelled by it. the clinging of the ego onto what it wants to stand on. a stable floor.

but also being so drawn in initially that you missed something about reality that was so obvious

feeling like i'm going crazy

the ground underneath me shaking.

my ego destabilized. the end of the world as i once knew it. the fear of enlightenment awaiting me.

so many questions with no fulfilling answers.

a feeling of deception

abandonment

terror

anxiety

entrapment

void emptiness

confusion

lost

restlessness

burdened

alone

engulfed/overwhelmed

alienation

sorrow

loss of control

a feeling of guilt for asking such questions- as if i am overlooking the simplicity of life.

but there is a collapse of the mundane. a collapse of boredom. i can't remember the last time i wa bored. every second is constant revelation. a constant call to my attention. i would rather be terrified of reality than be bored of it.

to disappear into the void of no self. to be nothing, nobody. at any second i feel like the u reality of being is going to collapse into nothingness. i don't know how many more steps i can take before the fear of paralysis swallows me up whole.

to be gaslit