i had a thought pattern in my head that resolved itself...fit like a glove, a puzzle, a unified philosophy.
resolving lappel du vide with trust.
a dark thought came to my head, the thought came to my mind that i, at that moment, had the potential and power to be a monster and do something bad to anyone's child (akin to sam harris’ absurd question of why can't we eat babies). there is an anxiety attached to it, as i have the freedom of choice to commit such heinous acts of violence and destruction to my niece like that. to even write this out feels sickening.
so there's an anxiety of it, the anxiety from the freedom of choice. i could be a monster. the anxiety of lappel du vide. but…
that's why trust exists. trust manifests when you HAVE the power to do something destructive but you DONT. you don't trust a vacuum cleaner because the vacuum cleaner does not have the potential for conscious malice. but i, as a conscious being, do. and the trust is SO subtle, almost invisible- non existent.
my friends and family trust me infinitely to not do anything bad, to the point where the whole idea and thought process of this is moot and nullified. they are of course not conscious or on the surface aware of this trust, as they are so immersed in it, bathed in trust such that it feels like nothing at all, but subconsciously there is the awareness of this deep connection of trust.
and me having the power to do something bad but not doing it IS where the trust and love emerge from. if i didn't have the power to do bad, there would be no trust. id be progammic, algorithmic, nothing to trust and bestow faith upon.
and THUS this resolves my anxiety of lappel du vide. it was crippling to be aware of my potential for evil within me: i could kill everyone right now, i could push somebody in front of a moving train, i could steal and murder. i could do so much damage and destruction, and it is crippling to know this (i think jordan peterson talks about this and being born in a nazi era-that you would have been a monster etc, but i think that's a slightly different yet related point.). but the fact that i don't do any of these things is what births trust. it is the very existence of lappel du vide that grants me trust, renders trust. and thus i need not fear lappel du vide, as it is a vital organ in the anatomy of faith, and love.
and thus lappel du vide and trust resolve like a glove. this really does quench my anxiety of it. and it's amazing to experience logic resolving itself.--/> perhaps elaborate on this whole process of resolution of logic, in a seperate essay? idk. perhaps it is this essay.
i'm no longer, through thought pattern, anxious of doing malice, as this is very much the core of trust.
that i could be a monster..but choose not to be. that place. that place of choosing not to be. that is love.