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not exploring alternatives, isness
last edit
Jan 1, 2022 3:24 AM

It appears composition is like a girl or a relationship - if you fall in love with something, trust it, don’t just then start looking for “better combinations” or “better possibilities”, because you won’t, and when you return back to the the thing you’ve fallen in love with, you may find that that love isn’t as strong anymore. Sort of like if you fall in love with a girl, and all you think about is the opportunity cost of all the girls you couldve been with - its complete nonsense.

Treat a composition with love and care. Love all of its imperfections and flaws. if i come across something i genuinely love, i will not try to change it. if i do, it cheapens it and puts it on a spectrum. it becomes measurable based on variables set forth by the permutations, rather than its "suchness"

letting things be cause of the isness of it. no invalid way. and actually to try to test out other things or permutations of this isness would cheapen the isness, for it reduces it to and puts it in it in a spectrum that measures it on a metric instead of seeing its pure isness, it negates the isness for isness implies how irriduciable and unique something is, so to test out things around it that may be better is a false approach that cheapens one's composition. do not mistake this for laziness or burnt out disguised as it. and isness is so perfectly imperfect. when you see peoples faces, you see how unique each one is, and yet how there exists asymmetry, scars, blemishes. you dont want plastic doll faces you want real, grainy skin.

reference this to the other framework on "what could have been" when making music - and how i find myself anxious all the itme on the decision i made as i could have gone the other way, and i thereby have destroyed all other possibilities. opportunity cot. creativity is destruction. but i can actually use this frame of thinking to also appreciate what i have here. a sort of retrocausaul or forward hindsight approach, where if i imagined myself (or even experimented or conducted) doing the other pathway, this current one i have is now seen in that light, as beautiful. which is interesting. its almost as if i need to trick my mind, a mental trick, to see the beauty in what the decision i have already made. as if i dont trust myself by default, as there is a greyness to every decision i make, because there is always that anxiety of the opportunity cost. so if couch this decision i made under that same lens, then it turns good. ive noticed this in several decisions i have made, both micro and macro - even things like career choices, the "not having been" aspect of things is interesting, but then i flip the switch and then see how amazing this path i have taken is, by imagining myself doing the same thing in a hypothetical imagined place where i took another pathway and imagined this life.

and sometimes i wish i could live out all possible creative or ambitious decisions ive made, to assess and a/b test them simultaneously - to see all possible universes and their trajectory at once, to see which one is most optimal. but alas i cannot. and therefore the software program of mind to operate on is to espouse the belief that the universe i am living in NOW is the best possible one (did i write about this elsewhere?), that all my decisions i have made now are concurrent with the most optimal one. that this universe is the best possible universe. (only possible universe? is only possible universe and best possible universe one and there same?)