as i lay in my bed thinking about me, roopam garg, becoming dark. sort of like how arthur fleck became the joker.
the idea that like, say if you had a dream (dream as in→ a goal) and wanted to pursue it, and then over time you sort of cheapen yourself out and never go through with it, that supposed concrete reality you once had in your mind..was only a dream.
there are these transition moments (threshold moments?) in which things turn from dreams into concrete realities, or they simply default to what they always only ever were- just dreams. i find that deeply existential- because that's the transition moment.
like to go from the dream like fantasy in one’s mind, or to default back to it being a fantasy- is a sort of transition like threshold moment.
so like i constantly see myself becoming dark..but there's this risk in a sense..a risk that it was all ever just a dream, a phantom, - that i'm just an ordinary someone…--and THAT is the threshold/transition. like the threshold/spectrum is going from figment of imagination/dream to concretization, and vice versa.
this has less to do with chasing ones dreams etc, and more to do with just the existential idea of things turning into a figment of imagination.
and likewise vice versa- actually materializing what was once a figment of imagination. thus it was all ever actually reality.
and the going in and out between “it was all ever just a figment of imagination” vs “it was all ever actually reality”.
like say if one of your friends betrays your trust - what you once thought of your friend, and what he always was, has turned into a phantom, a dream, it was never real, just a dream, and the reality is that they aren't really your friend. i.e this girl in houston wants to hang with me and doesn't consider me a fake friend (by her measure), and i tel her i am not free and haven't hung out with anyone for a while. so there are essentially two worlds, one that can be a dream and one that can be real - one is that i follow through with the girl and do hang with her, or i ignore her and lie to her that i haven't hung out with anyone - one of these outcomes will destroy the other world. one concretizes, while the other becomes a phantom. the girl once thought of me as a real friend- but my present actions have proven that that was never real- and has turned into a phantom. and was perhaps always a phantom in a way.
this is what ego death is- a shakening of the foundation that which you once stood upon. when your wife or partner cheats on you- that's a form of ego death (referencing what jordan peterson said).