like talk about all these dark thought s- they produce anxiety within me - free will, treadmill theory, same space of consciousness, and all the other dark thoughts.
Once Inam enlightened, every part of me becomes nullified. link/connect with “contending with consciousness”
The fear is that enlightenment, or the idea of it, nullifies everything else…like ambitions, dreams, relationships, pursuits, problems, successes, stories…experience…
but i cannot help but be enlightened. it's interesting how i know for sure that i will die sometime in the future, not just my body but my mind and my ego; and my soul. an inevitable ego death.
once over enlightened reality gets destroyed in a way. i fear seeing nothing but voidness. this fear links with the essay on language and hope seeing words for what they actually are- gibberish- is scary. because in a real sense, without mental processes clockworking, everything is utter nonsense, yet at the same time everything also makes sense and becomes more transparent, light, and demystified.
fear of losing differentiated connection with others through enlightenment. a complete disassociation and disidentifification with different people, and seeing all as one. the idea of mother being nullified, of father, of friends. all is one. but perhaps in a deeper sense “mother” isn't a person but a sort of framework, or algorithm in the system, an energy.
an idea i resist--That enlightenment is the right path- that it is the path that should be taken or is the best path to take. That is to say that all other paths are lesser, or less significant, or that the concept of enlightenment renders all other modes of being useless. Even the word “enlightenment” itself implies that it is the highest or the right order of being- which places a judgement on everything else- makes everything else seem insignificant- because it isn’t enlightenment, or those not pursuing the path of enlightenment are somehow blind or not getting it. Oh the awakened one! Implying that those who aren’t awake are blind or are in the dark. It really is the judgmental nature of it and that it’s the supreme mode of being, that it’s better or right, or somehow it’s deeper or it’s more profound than anything else. That’s what it is. That music, art, desires, exploration and passion aren as important as the fact that you’re AWARE that you’re passionate. Because it usurps all of life...
That the consciousness of life is higher than life itself. That is what we must contend with.
the end of the world as i once knew it...my past view of the world, shattered, beliefs, knowings. who and what i thought was real
fear of destabilization
its like that buddhist allegory - he sees a mountain, then goes through the arduous process f enlightenment, with all its harrowing nature, and confusion, chaos, dread, not seeing the mountain, existential insanity, only to come back and see mountain again - this time as an enlightened man. — also link this to that mark pritchard sad alron creature that has a subtle smile on his face as he flies across and between the grids of harrow and beauty. - ref to there can be no beauty without terror.
-talk about how i first thought that enlightenment meant to become more and more joyful and happy and yay! what a fucking superficial dumb fucking thing. (ref:
joe matera guitar world:
Meditation is going great. It's getting harder and harder. But that's what tends to happen when one goes deeper in the mind. So much to unpack...especially hard to let go of one's perceptions and identity. Some of it is quite scary.
ah what i hate about it is that it usurps everything else "consciousness comes prior to it all" is a usurpation, and thus a cheapening of all the things "inside" consciousness. calling it "contents of consciousness" yuck.
enlightenment is annihilation.
it is the end of a world as i once knew (ref: essay on reflections)
it is death
it is the willingness to die
i am not willing.
reality is harsh.
the harshest filter of all.
the criterion of "real" in a world full of illusion is devastating. catastrophic.
it negates all conscious experience, or puts it in a nest or a subset of something else. to even say "contents of consciousness" is so cheapening, and it reduces EVERYTHING into that. so everything starts to feel the same. it's a maladaptive way of thinking that does not lead to immersion - and to even say immersion is itself a cheapening. there's nothing to immerse oneself into, it's just life. to immerse would be to suggest there there is such a spectrum of immersion, as if it were like a video game or movie.