existential_205

existential_205

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DARK
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Jul 5, 2021 10:47 PM
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  • ”walking stick enigma”
  • i don't know how it is that i can move my arm, etc
  • fear that i won't be able to walk again from the realization that i actually don't know how to walk. fear of paralysis and losing control. total lung failure. a breakdown of will. not knowing how to breathe etc. suffocation. had moments where i forgot how to sneeze and breathe- and it terrified me.
  • but this, what does it mean to know. like if you asked god how something works, he could ramble on for days and years of the mechanics of something, and still not even scratch the surface on the totality of a specific operation of something- and to do so would be to miss the point of the action in the first place, it would take away from it. in a sense it's a failure to connect with it, and that there's a hope that describing it would overcome that disconnection- it's what sam harris said to when someone asked him about the meaning of life. it's a dumb question.
  • and plus you could never reduce a concious effort or action to words, and symbols.
  • so god doesn't think of “knowing” in that regards, god simply does. and THAT is knowing. if you asked god to build a mountain- he would simply just build it, he wouldn't think about the mechanics of it.
  • and perhaps the head and knowing how to move the head is the SAME. that is to say/ embedded in the arm is the ability to move the arm. an arm would not be an arm if you couldn't move the arm. it is non-dual. it is one and the same. the leg and being able to execute the FUNCTION of the leg is one and the same. the leg is not just a stick of flesh. the identity of the leg and th existence of the leg is inseparable from the ability to move it. and even the location of my arm-the signature of my left arm being there, is itself a part of what the arm IS. the locality and the feeling of its locality is the arm too.
  • there's also the idea that since i do not known iq it is i move my arm- perhaps this is an indicator for the lack of my free will- and that i indeeed am not actually moving my arm or typing this out, i simply hold the assumption that i am- in reality is may simply be empty phenomena rolling on, a self emergent universe that simply flows without any doer of the doing.
  • seeing that instagram video of that baby with the dog- and him coughing. the baby Knew how to cough. and he was just able to do so. which is a display of intelligence. but he himself did not know how to cough, it was a self emergent property of his being..a natural gestation of his body.
  • there's also an infinite regress in my fear here....the baby knew how to cough, but he didn't know how it is that he knew how to cough. or better yet, he didn't know how it is that he knew how to cough. there's an infinite regress here if you define “knowing” as something factual rather than instinctual.
  • this is the pain point and source of my anxiety here...the dissonance between fact based intelligence vs instinctual knowing. in fact, my bias and fetish towards factual intelligence has usurped my awareness of instinctual understanding that it has sort of smeared my reality in a way. blurred the lines between simply living life insinctuslly vs constantly parsing reality with intellectual doubt and fact based reasoning, not knowing whether the bed that lays beneath me as i attempt sleep actually exists or not, and the blurring of my faithful instinct of it of course existing, has led to a low level pool of anxiety and doubt in my mind. - reference to the render essay.

i don't know how to move my arm..but perhaps..i do? maybe it's that i don't know how it is that I move my arm. or better yet. I don't know how it is that I know how to move my arm.

i know that i know how to move my arm. but i don't k ow how it is that i know that i know how to move my arm.

  • knowing how to see vs. knowing it is that I see
  • as such, an intellectual fact based lens of reality is paralyzing.

truly speaking--i know nothing. nothing about anything, everything.

the only thing that i can think of in which one can truly know something is pain.

and it is to be scoffed at when someone thinks they know something, or takes pride in feigning intelligence or being proud of their intellect, for they neither own their mind, creation or intelligence.

which makes the universe feel sandbox like..like counterstrike. like a game, where you can simply move and plop buildings.