existential_058

existential_058

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DARK
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Aug 28, 2021 1:35 AM
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multiple selves theory is so interesting...

because on one level it is true.

like my convo re: romance.

im so successful with music and my goals, but feel inadequate with romance.

i put on a front for teaching, and am in a different headspace and embodiment with my music and dark. but it is for a function.

who i am around my brothers is different than with say my friends.

the inferiority complex self. wishes to break through

this is probably how awkwardness resurrects in ones consciousness. one of your selves wants something that your other self is ashamed of, or that you don't want that self to be associated with in any way.

like if i wanted to act out my sexual impulses. i don't want my DARK self (the self i want to fully embody at some point) to be associated with that, or to have it be tainted in any way. and thus anxiety ensues when i want sexually follow through with someone i'd be ashamed of if they asked about what i was doing with music. like i don't want them to ask about that at all. i don't want them to care about my music. i just want to fuck them.

this is why prostitution is probably so common amongst some people. because it is such a pure, tunnel vision transaction that doesn't infiltrate your other identities. (only when you get caught does it...).

but perhaps i wouldn't be DARK if not for these urges and things im nebulously ashamed of. it can't be any other way. it's perhaps what produces greatness. my inferiority complex produces greatness. my high sexual energy produces greatness.

in some sense, what i'm looking for is a unification or a total parallel or alignment of all my selves together. as of now i feel a few of my selves to feel rather schizophrenic (in a very subtle way) where i act one way and have a dirty side to me that has some hardcore sexual impulses, and another side of me that's softer and more enamored by beauty.

which is why i fear not being sexually attractive to the one who i may fall in love with due to her radiance.

so a unification is what i seek. , so my life can attain congruency, or in better terms: self actualization.

self actualization may be framed as the total unification of all of one's selves. a resolve. a resolution of selves into one, or into zero!

and perhaps this manifests at the individual level and collective.

(also does this link with the framework on multiple versions of same motif eg x files )

the self thats me full of food in belly at 9pm is different from th one at 2am that is hungry. different thoughts will arise in my consciousness. robbed of free will. knowing this, is awareness, and acting upon it, is wisdom. ill be throwing away that protein cookie now so my 2am self has no option but to sleep. and its not just in my head that i may think i should have the cookie. its my body. the mind in my body will want.

reference self actualization, essay on how self actualization is alignment of being at all levels - money- relationships, endeavor, etc. remember speaking to serjan about this. reference essay in how being is good and how everything is pointed to maximal flourishment of consciousness. even if on one level of being it seems dissonant, on another higher plane it is not. morality is complex, but all points to the good.

you want the things in nature to attain their truest final form/nature in existence. you want things to flourish into their highest self actualized self.

self actualization may be framed as the total unification of all of one's selves. a resolve. a resolution of selves into one, or into zero!

this awareness is so good because i now can work and negotiate with my multiple selves—dieting , assesing instagram videos

almost feels like a compartmentalization of my mind. like me chagning cetain paramters for website but also knowing that if i do i will feel anxious about a certain thing, so i forgo doing it until a few days later because i know i can just do it later with no harm done, and i then assess how i would feel then.

like i considered replying to a "hater", thinking itd be a good idea, but what is preventing me from doing is the self i would AFTER i respond to him, being all neurotic over responding, and having the thought that i shouldnt have responded.

and its cool cause now i can lay pathways for my self and multiple selves. like me not including more guitar notes that are currently in my website doc to be inside guitar practice notes now, because i know my future self will look at the website notes, allows my current present self's mind to rest

not making fast brash impulsive decisions that my future self will get anxious over, only cause im happy and uplifted now.

i need to assess and address the goals i want now, but also what my past and future self have wanted or will want. because they come in and out, and i find that so existential and mysterious. like doing my future self a favor, like leaving something for my future self to pick up (ref). that i am not myself but multiple selves across time.

thus i can use this philosophy as a tool, and normalize myself over time. for i may like certain color schemes on my site from time to time but i know in the long run i will always default to black and white. or i may temporarily want to go down an avenue, but with knowing myself and espousing self awareness i can know how my mind will be after its endeavor. and this self-calibration and self-normalization improves over time as well, if i am aware of such a phenomenon. i suppose this is what being health conscious is. for right now i can crave something, but knowing that it will injure me right after i eat it, and also the day after, and would make me feel bad and would hurt my body in the long run. one can spiral out of control if i only consider what my present self wants now.

as such the future can exist the present

threads of selves

my multiple selves on a thread dangling

multiple selves becomes so apparant and true when i eat food, ever self i have wants to go in different circuitous routes over how to eat the food, ratios, bites, etc.