refering the vision document, and also the vision essay in composition frameworks
this is what is causing resistance to me wanting to play live and doing all other things. anything that is not a chase into that quest and pathway feels like a distraction, or a diversion. that's it. a diversion. it may be close, a near proximity and peripheral thing, but that's all it is, peripheral. it doesn't feel like a refinement or a pursuit of perfection.
there is something truly wonderful, beautiful, noble and existential about the refinement and pursuit of perfection of ones work. the iterative journey. the god becoming. the uncovering. the distillation. purification.
doug something for the sake of doing it, because doing it leads to a purer form of doing. man. that is god. all else feels like a cheap mock. music is so pure, so perfect. especially with what i hear. geometric perfect form. the perfect structures and layerings of phenomena.
i have phases where i want to play live—because it fulfills a certain part of my human existence. the community. the crowd energy. the feeling of connection in real-time. the interaction. hanging out with other musicians and my heroes. money. reputation. fame. the souls conquest into doing something it dreamed of. it feels like a storybook career to play life with ones hero. it does something to your self perception. it feels good. and all of this is valid. it is not to be discounted. it matters. to fulfil a part of ones void is to let it go as well so one can move on. so if i went straight to the money shot of focusing on just music in the himalayas, i would feel like i'm skipping a part of the story. skipping ahead. neglecting it.
also, this is all speculation as well...albeit sincere speculation. what if i actually do find playing lice rewarding? i remember after every show i played i actually felt good. i felt love. i felt energy. i felt alive and wired. maybe this is something my soul craves.
so that is the dissonance i am facing. to be isolated and mysterious and make infinitely diving pieces of art, or to come out and play these existing materials live and to experience another hallmark of what being a musician is all about.
i am battling a trade off between making new music vs. playing live with existing ones.
although a part of me like being a performer, and all aspects of performance, i really don't care for it much. i care only about what serves the music. to model solaris..artifacts..man...to really really really go deep in my craft. to fully invest my bandwidth of attention in it.
If I visualize myself in the ideal I see myself as a composer. I think composition is real work. Such as Ben Salisbury or Hans Zimmer these people are known as composers that's what they do it's with a hard to compose music for projects for ideas for stories know for itself. my heart simply isn't fully invested in performance I can appreciate the advantages and the benefits of it but rather use my resources and time and my mind fully in composition because I feel like that's what matters the most like Mozart or Beethoven they didn't take the time out to form the Work it wasn't think they cared about as much as composition the highest ideal is composition.
but maybe I'm just full of shit as well maybe if I just tried playing home I would actually love it and I would find a home in it and I would actually thrive on the respect and the energy that is rendered in such an environment in such a session it might actually do something to me for me to you for you
-also dnt see my music that way, i see it as artifacts, so to play it live may feel like a misrepresentation.
-also fear that this may influence my songwriting. i.e writing music for live performance rather than t chase reality more deeply. but i dont think this is the case at all.
i'm simply thinking about the macro lens of my existence in the dark what dark is because I have all these resources as I said before and I want to do right by him give me this opportunity this platform this time and space in this universe well if you think about it that way really puts it in perspective like can you put my self respect myself more and Appreciate my own company more than the company of say my idols or whoever. I will consider my own existence and just being with myself and pondering myself and spending time with myself and composer as myself and as the vessel in the conduit of which this dark music foster to be a greater ideal and a great privilege than say touring with my heroes. i need to become my own best hero.
also, pursuing live performance comes with its own headaches. selling tickets etc etc.